


Never Have I Ever

by Cateia



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Dirty Talk, Drinking Games, Embarrassment, F/M, Flirting, Game Night, Gen, Humor, Never Have I Ever, Sex, Virginity, wingman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 11:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18850054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cateia/pseuds/Cateia
Summary: Varric comes up with a plan to help Carver get together with Merrill, but nobody could have been prepared for the revelations at Game Night!





	Never Have I Ever

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write something fun to cheer me up. I put out the call on Twitter, and got the suggestion to have Varric and Carver sit Merrill down to teach her the facts of life, but the script gets flipped when she reveals to know much more than they could've imagined. I ran with that and came up with a cheeky game of Never Have I Ever. Enjoy!

Carver Hawke sat opposite of Varric Tethras in the dwarf’s expansive suite. The raucous noise of the crowd in the tavern hall below was distracting, but he tried his best to focus. After all, he could think of no other person to help him in his present troubles. Butterflies stirred in his belly as he anticipated Varric’s response to his query. 

_ How can I tell Merrill that I want to be more than friends? _

“I’m telling you, Junior. Just get her talking about the subject and things will go from there. I promise,” Varric said, draining his tankard. 

“It won’t seem forced? Awkward?”

“Well, there’s got to be some subtlety to it. You can’t just walk up to her and ask “What do you think about sex? With me?”, you’ve got to ease into it. Playful banter, teasing, stuff like that. Maybe a good ol’ fashioned game of Never Have I Ever.” The dwarf snapped his fingers. “Yes! That’s it! Bring her here, and we’ll all play.”

“If you say so, Varric. Tonight?”

“Sure thing, Junior. I’ll be ready and waiting.”

  
  
  


**_oOoOoOo_ **

  
  
  


Hours later, Carver, Merrill, and Marian Hawke strode into The Hanged Man, making their way up to Varric’s suite. Norah the barmaid was hot on their heels with a tray of full ale tankards. As everyone settled in, she set one tankard in front of each person, and left.

“Hawke! You decided to join us!” Varric crowed. He briefly met eyes with Carver, who bore a facial expression that was equal parts confusion and disgust.

“I did,” Hawke declared, sliding onto the bench next to her dwarven ally. She leaned in close, her breath hot on Varric’s ear. “I know what you’re trying to do, Varric, and… I approve. So I’m here to help.” She sat straight again, a mischievous smirk twisting her lips.

Varric shook his head and chuckled to himself. “Of course,” he muttered. “Daisy! So glad to see you! How’s the ball of twine working out?”

Merrill clasped her hands in delight. “It’s been absolutely brilliant, Varric,” she gushed. “I went all the way from my home to the Lowtown Market and back again, and didn’t get lost once!”

“If you need someone to come with you to the markets, I’m happy to help  _ anytime _ , Merrill,” Carver blurted, the tips of his ears turning a fiery red. 

“Aww! Thank you, Carver, but I must learn to manage on my own,” Merrill declared, oblivious. 

“I-I… understand,” Carver said, burying his face in the tankard in front of him.

Merrill gave the younger Hawke a puzzled look, but shrugged it off. “So, Carver said we’re going to play a game? What is it? Chess? Wicked Grace? I haven’t had a good game of Wicked Grace in ages!”

“We’re gonna play a game I call Never Have I Ever, Daisy,” Varric replied smoothly. “We go in a circle, so everyone has a turn. You say “Never have I ever”, then add something that you think the others have or haven’t done. If they  _ have  _ done the thing, they take a drink. If they haven’t, they don’t. If you’re the one asking, and nobody else drinks, you drink. Here. I’ll go first. Never have I ever… uh… seen a rainbow.”

“Well that’s just silly, Varric. Everybody’s seen a rainbow,” Merrill replied with a giggle.

“Okay, so you’ve done that. Take a drink,” Varric declared. Merrill frowned, but complied, as did Carver and Marian. Varric took a small sip, aware of the need to pace himself. “All right. I’ll go again, and this one counts. Never have I ever… worn women’s clothing.”

Marian and Merrill both drank, despite Merrill’s protests that elven clothing was not gendered.

“My turn,” Marian purred. “Never have I ever… gone on a date.” Everyone drank.

“Okay, I think I’ve got this,” Merrill chirped. “Never have I ever been kicked by a halla.” She alone took a sip of ale. Varric raised a hand and opened his mouth as if to protest, but Merrill interrupted him. “Learned to steer clear of a halla’s hindquarters after  _ that _ !” She laughed while everyone else looked at her as though she'd suddenly sprouted a third leg from her forehead.

Varric chuckled. “You’ve definitely got this, Daisy. Junior, you’re up!”

Carver’s cheeks were bright pink as he clutched his tankard with a white-knuckled grip. “Never have I ever… been in love.”

Everyone drank.

“Merrill, you’ve been in love?” Carver asked, surprised.

“Of course I have,” the elf replied. “Many times. And I’ll probably be in love many times again. It’s just our way.”

Carver nodded to himself, still surprised by her admission. 

Several rounds passed, and everyone but Carver had at least two empty tankards in front of them. Varric smiled wickedly as he realized it was his turn. “NORAH! WE’RE GONNA NEED ANOTHER ROUND!” he yelled. “Time to up the stakes, shall we? Never have I ever… been kissed,” Varric said, raising his eyebrow. Again, everyone drank.

Marian thought for a moment. “Never have I ever gotten handsy with someone while kissing,” she declared. Everyone drank. 

“Hmm,” Merrill said, mulling over her options. “Well, since we’re on the subject, never have I ever gone all the way with someone.” Everyone drank except for Carver. 

Carver furrowed his brow. “Wait, Merrill,  _ you _ ? You have?”

“Of course, silly. I’m 28 years old. It’d be more strange for me to  _ not  _ have, by this point. How old are you?”

“I’m 21. But… you… wait, it’s my turn. I’ll ask it. Never have I ever… um… been married.” Nobody drank. “Oh. I see.” Carver sheepishly stared into the empty tankard in front of him and practically snatched another from Norah’s tray as soon as she approached the table.

“Why would you ask that? Given our respective occupations, marriage is hardly in the cards for any of us,” Merrill asked. 

“He wants to know if you’ve been married because we’re Andrastian, Merrill. Sex outside of marriage is deeply frowned upon,” Marian slurred. 

“But  _ you’ve  _ not been married, and  _ you  _ drank,” Merrill observed.

“I’m not exactly what you’d call a good Andrastian anyway,” Marian replied, gesturing towards the mage staff beside her. “And you’re right. Our respective occupations are quite hazardous. Would be a shame if one were to perish without the experience, married or not.” She gave her younger brother a pointed glance.

“Oh. OHHHHHHH,” Merrill said, her tone heavy from all the ale. “I think I understand. Whose turn is it now?”

“Mine,” Varric replied with a sly grin. “Never have I ever given or received... an Antivan Rudder.”

“What so special about an Antivan Rudder? Is that why Antivan ships are so fast?” Carver asked. 

“Yeah, I’m curious too,” Marian said.

“Oh! An Antivan Rudder is when the man holds his… uh…  _ member _ , and you move his arm up and down to help stroke him off,” Merrill answered. Everyone’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“How did YOU know that, Daisy?”

“Oh come now, Varric, everyone’s heard of an Antivan Rudder.”

“We obviously hadn’t,” Marian shot back, gesturing at herself and Carver. 

“Well, drink or don’t, people. Let’s move on,” Varric said, barely able to contain his laughter. Only Merrill drank. Varric blinked in disbelief. “You’ve actually _done_ that? I thought it was made up!”

“Of course. Who wants to do the same old thing in bed? Sometimes you’ve got to mix things up,” Merrill said matter-of-factly, taking a voluntary sip of ale. Everyone else just stared at her.

Marian shook her head and smirked. “So it’s my turn again. And of course, Varric has set us down the worst possible path,” she sighed. “Let’s see. Never have I ever… given or received a pearl necklace.”

Carver scrunched his face. “Pearls are so expensive, and I don’t even think they’re that pretty. I'd never buy an entire necklace made with them.”

Merrill’s face lit up with excitement. “Oh no, not actual pearls! It’s a sex thing. See, when the man is getting close to cumming, he pulls out and does his thing around his partner’s neck. Jizz is white, so it--”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Carver interrupted. “Maker’s breath, let’s just move on.” Merrill and Marian both drank. “Grosssssss, Marian. I could’ve lived a long and happy life without knowing that about you.” Marian cackled gleefully. 

Merrill giggled at the Hawkes. “Let’s see… never have I ever done it mabari-style,” she said, taking a sip of her ale. Varric and Marian joined her. She looked over at Carver. “You see, Carver, mabari-style is--”

“Oh come on, this isn’t fair! I’m the only virgin at this table, I can’t compete with your collective depravity!” Carver’s face grew more red by the second. 

Under the table, Merrill put her hand on Carver’s knee. “We could fix that, you know. I’m happy to.  _ Anytime _ .” She winked to punctuate her offer. Carver’s jaw dropped, but under the table, he put his hand over Merrill’s and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Marian blurted, her face suddenly green. 

Varric caught Carver’s eye and gave him a knowing wink. “I think the game has a winner. I’ll talk to Corff and get you two a room.” 

 

**_~ FIN ~_ **


End file.
